Fighting the Feeling
by ERclaireER
Summary: Formerly Title TBA. Neela has been battling her conscience. In what direction will fate take her? REELA
1. Chapter I

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of its characters. Too bad.** **A/N: Thanks for reading my Reela fic. I hope you like it. In italics is what Neela imagines people saying. This is in her POV so I couldn't call them her thoughts, seeing as this fanfiction is her thoughts. Bold indicates the beginnings and ends of flashbacks as well as any authors notes I chose to add in.**

_Where's Neela? Is she conked out in front of the television? Is she catching up on some chartwork?_

That's probably what everyone is thinking. But no, I'm sitting here in a bar, drowning my sorrows in a glass of whiskey. I've just finished moving all of my things out of Abby's apartment. I really need to find my own place, a place where I can be alone. There's nothing wrong with having a roommate but right now I'd rather people just leave me be. After the news got around about Michael's death, I've been bombarded with questions.

_How are you holding up Neela? Is there anything I can do for you Neela?_

Up until they start asking questions, I've usually succeeded in keeping my mind occupied so to not think about it. Then I'm forced into talking. They say it's good to _share my thoughts and express my inner feelings_. All I have to say to that is, bloody hell, step off! They don't have a clue what it's like to walk a day in my shoes. So anyway, now I'm hiding out here in this bar, avoiding the rest of the world. I didn't think anyone would look for me here. I look around me and am please when I see no familiar faces. For now I can pretend to be a whole different person. No one here will recognize me as _girl-who-just-lost-her-husband._ I'm just _girl-sitting-in-a-bar._

I take another swig of my drink and stare out of the rain splattered window. Great, weather to match my current mood. I put my hand to my head and massage my temples for I'm developing a slight headache. It must be this music. Must they play so loudly? I glance in the direction of the band when I hear a familiar melody playing. How do I know this? I wrack my brain for an answer when it hits me.

**Flashback**

He takes his guitar out of its case. "Ugh, not now Ray. I've just finished and awfully stressful shift and I've got a splitting headache." He shrugs off my comment. "Sorry Roomie," he says. "gotta practice. We've got a gig coming up and I promised the guys I'd work on a new song." His fingers strummed the guitar strings effortlessly as the sounds of music filled the room.

**End of Flashback**

I cannot believe he's here, him of all people! Oh God, please don't let him see me! I turn my back on the band and return to staring absentmindedly out the window. I try to block out the sound but I can't. I get up from my seat and make for the exit. I fling open the door and run out into the rain. My face is soaked with tears and raindrops. "Fine!" I said out loud. "You Win!" I've been battling my conscience for quite some time now and I surrender. When I shared an apartment with Ray, I was happier than I had been in a long time. A voice in my head kept telling me that fate brought us together, that we were meant to be. I'd have to remind myself that I was married, happily married to Michael. I tried to fight the feelings I've developed for Ray. But fate stepped in again, bringing Ray here tonight. Damn fate.

**A/N: Did you like it? Please review, as it would make me very very happy. If I get at least 2 reviews I'll update.**


	2. Chapter II

**Disclaimer: I do not own ER or any related characters.**

**Author's Note: For those of you who are wondering, this fanfiction does in no way follow the events in 21 Guns. Otherwise, most things are the same. The only changes I have made was that Ray got back into his band and after moving out of Ray's apartment, Neela moved back in with Abby. One more thing before you start the chapter. Just remember that Neela had been drinking. That will explain most of this chapter's events.**

Who knows how long I've been standing out here? I do know however, that I'm not going back inside. Not as long as _he's_ still there. It may be raining and I may be soaking wet from head to toe but I could care less right now. Look's like the band has finished their gig. People are filing out of the bar to their cars, driving away into the night. Maybe this is a sign, a sign telling me to leave while I still have a chance. I'll blend right in with the other people heading out. Perfect. He'll never notice I was here.

I guess I was too busy rambling aloud to myself to notice a figure approaching. I wandered around, searching in the dark for my car, when he put a hand on my shoulder. I jumped, and in doing so, brought myself back to reality. I whipped around to face him. "Just leave me be Ray! Point me in the direction of my car and I'll be on my merry way." It's as if he hadn't heard a word I'd just said. I turned on my heal and staggered away from him, but it wasn't long before he caught up to me. " Come on Neela, I'm taking you back to Abby's. Gimme your keys." I glared at him. " Don't you dare treat me like a child Ray! I am perfectly capable of taking myself home!" He grabbed the keys from my hands. " I'm not letting you drive when you are obviously drunk. Let's go." He picked me up and carried me to the car while I flailed my arms and cried, making a total fool of myself. He opened the passenger door and helped me in. He didn't even ask about all the luggage in the backseat, much to my relief.

We were silent the whole way to Abby's. I wasn't in the state of mind to tell him that I no longer lived there. She must've been keeping a watch out for me to return because I saw her peaking out from behind the curtains. I don't blame her. I too would have been worried if I came home from work to find that all of my roommate's stuff was gone. Ray got out of the car and went up to the door. I'm glad he didn't make me go with him because I don't think I could face Abby right now. She looks mad, and rightfully so.

**Author's Note: So, what did you think? I'm sorry if it was short, I had writer's block. The next chapter looks promising. I think you'll enjoy it.**


	3. Chapter III

**Disclaimer: ER is not mine, neither are the actors and actresses associated with it.**

Abby answered the door and stepped out onto the stairs to talk to Ray. If only I knew what they were saying. Occasionally they'd glance in my direction but I avoided eye contact. After what seemed like forever, they both walked to my car. Ray motioned for me to roll down my window. " Would it kill you to stay here one more night? You've got nowhere else to go and you're in no condition to drive around apartment hunting right now," Abby said the minute the window opened. I reluctantly accepted her offer. She had that look in her eyes. If there's one thing I've learned after sharing an apartment with Abby it's to avoid argument at all costs. I never win.

I grabbed what I needed from the car and Ray helped me inside. " I'd love to stay," he said when we got situated, "but I've got an early shift in the morning. Hang in there Neela." He headed to the door. He gave me a quick little wink and he left. At that moment my heart skipped a beat. I shifted uncomfortably on the couch, knowing Abby was probably watching my every move. Then she broke the silence. " I know you're going through a rough time, but I never I thought I'd see you of all people come home drunk. I'm probably not the right person to be giving out advice knowing my past with alcohol, but let me tell you that drinking won't fix things. Trust me, it won't solve your problems. You'll just make a fool out of yourself…" She kept on talking and talking but I wasn't paying much attention. My head was pounding. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that the sickness I was beginning to feel would subside. No such luck. Abby was in mid sentence when I got up and ran for the bathroom.

I sat on the cold tile of the bathroom floor for most of the night. Abby came in and handed me an aspirin and a glass of water. "Thanks," I said looking up at her. " I'm sorry for lecturing you before. It was probably that last thing you wanted to hear. I was just worried about you. I'm here if you ever want to talk." She gave me a friendly smile and I knew I could trust her. " Just remember Abby, that anything I tell you tonight can not be passed on to anyone. This is strictly between us." She nodded. The look on her face screamed " Spill it Neela!" so I wasted no time. I took a deep breath and began to tell my tale.

" I'm at a fork in the road right now." Tears had already begun to roll down my cheeks. " Michael died Abby, of course I'm grieving. I think about him everyday, wishing he'd walk through those ER doors, laughing, telling me it was all just a big practical joke. But the truth is, he's not coming back, ever. And even if he did, the guilt I'm feeling would still haunt me." Abby looked confused. " Neela. You have no reason to feel the slightest bit of guilt. You didn't see him much, but you're not at fault here. I'm sure he had no doubt in his mind that you loved him anyway," she said trying to comfort me. " Of course I loved him. Something in my mind kept telling me otherwise. I tried to fight it but my feelings were overpowering. Being with Ray just felt so right. He-" Abby cut me off before I could continue. " Ray? As is Ray Barnett?" I nodded, staring at the floor. " I knew it!"

**Author's note: So? Give me your thoughts. I had so much fun writing this chapter. Was it worth it?**


	4. Chapter IV

**Disclaimer: As I'm sure you all know by now, I do not own ER or the actors and actresses in it.**

We kept talking for at least and hour more. It felt so good to get it all out in the open, like a heavy burden was being lifted from my shoulders. Well for now anyway, that burden could be crashing back down sometime. I still have to confront Ray at some point. I can't go on avoiding him forever. But what do you suppose I say? _When I was married I loved you, but couldn't have you. Now there is nothing holding me back. _Abby laughed when I shared this with her. I mean how do you break it to someone, someone like Ray, that you loved them while you were a married woman?

" I see the way he acts around you Neela. I doubt that this will come as a total shock to him. Tell me this. If he didn't care for you, why do you think he insisted on driving you home?" I tried to come up with an answer that wouldn't prove Abby right. " Uh, he's a doctor. He knows what can happen is you drink and drive," Abby threw her hands in the air as if to surrender. " Neela, listen to yourself! You're hopeless. You don't want to admit that you think he loves you because that would make your romantic fairy tale come true. You couldn't live with the fact that Michael died and you could actually be happy and move on. I think he's want you to move on with your life. Don't you? Dwelling on the past won't bring Gallant back so you can make things 'right'."

Okay, now I'm feeling just a tad uncomfortable. Abby wanted to say more but I could tell that she wanted the conversation to end just as much as I did. I stood up and walked to the door. "I'm going to bed, you should too. And those were the last words spoken that night.

My shift wasn't until noon so I was able to sleep in. For that I was extremely grateful, seeing as that I was developing and awful hangover. I had the chills. My head was throbbing and the shrill sound of the alarm clock wasn't helping. Without opening my eyes, I felt around for the source of the noise and slammed the snooze button with my fist. I fell back to sleep but it wasn't long before the alarm sounded once more. I kicked off the covers and sat up in bed, rubbing my tired eyes. I pulled a sweatshirt over my head and headed for the bathroom. I went to look in the mirror, which is the first thing I do every morning, when I saw a note taped to it. Abby knows my routine all too well. It read:

_Neela,_

_Meet me at Ike's for lunch before your shift. If that's going to be a problem, call me on my cell. There was something I meant to tell you last night but didn't get a chance after you ran off to bed. Don't worry its nothing major. See you later._

_ Abby_

**Author's Note: I'm sorry if it was short but I think I got the point across. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought**


	5. Chapter V

**Disclaimer: ER is not property of me**

**Author's Note: I think this is the best chapter I've written so far, I hope you enjoy.**

After taking a long hot shower, I got dressed and took the El to Ike's. Abby had gotten us a table and was waiting patiently for my arrival. "Sorry to keep you waiting," I said as I sat down across from her. She looked up at me and there was something about the expression of her face that made me believe that I was in for a very long discussion. And of course, she got right down to business.

"Neela, you're my friend and I want what is best for you. I want you to be happy. You may not be ready to come to terms with the fact that Ray could actually love you back and be the key to your happiness, but I have proof. When Michael died, Ray wanted so badly to be able to help you, to comfort you. You may have tried to avoid him, but he didn't give up on you." She stopped to take a sip of her coffee. I didn't say a word; I wanted to hear more.

" When Ray brought you home last night, I'd never seen him so concerned in my life. He knew you'd be upset, but it worried him that what you did last night was so...not like you at all. And do you know what he said to me? He said, and I quote, ' I want the old Neela back. My Roomie. The one whose smile brightens up a room. The one who I can stay up late with watching poker on television. I miss _that_ Neela. I miss the looks she gives me when I eat the last of her favorite cereal or play my music late into the night. I could get another roommate who does all of that, but it just wouldn't be the same…' "

Before Abby could finish, we heard someone call out her name. It was _him_. From the look on Abby's face, I knew that this was all part of her plan. Abby stood up and let Ray take her seat at the table. " Why hear it from me," she said, "when you can hear it all from him." She smiled and gave me a little nudge.

Oh my gosh! How awkward is this! Abby obviously told him everything that I said last night, I'm sure of it. I shot her one of those _how dare you _looks, but all she did was smile and walk away, leaving me alone with Ray. At first, no words were spoken, nor glances exchanged. I reached for my coffee, but he stopped me in mid-reach, holding my hand in his. " I think I love you." That was all that needed to be said. We were both afraid. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid of what people might say or think. But we couldn't fight it. Love was in the air. The urge I had to kiss him was becoming unbearable. I grabbed his other hand, which was resting on the table. We both inched forward, as if in slow motion, our faces getting closer and closer.

And then, our lips met. The feeling of being stuck in slow motion vanished and now it was almost as if time stopped, only for us, and the world around us was rushing by. I didn't want it to end.

**Author's Note: There you go, the moment you've all been waiting for. Tell me what you think.**


	6. Chapter VI

**Disclaimer: Did you read the last chapter? I said ER didn't belong to me. I wasn't lying and that stands true right now**

I slowly pulled away from the kiss, my eyes never leaving his. "Ray, I owe you and apology. I never meant to hurt you. I pushed you away when I needed you the most…" He put a finger to my lips. "You don't have to explain anything to me. I understand, and you don't need to be ashamed. I felt equally guilty being in love with a married woman. Lets just put the past behind us and start fresh. What do you say?" I smiled.

" Hey cutie. My name's Ray Barnett. I'm a doctor at County General and part of an awesome rock band. You look familiar, do I know you?" I play fully swatted his arm. "Your turn," he said. I could see he was totally serious so I decided I'd play along. "Neela Rasgotra. Lets hope I look familiar, I work with you, I used to live with you, and I'm pretty sure you've seen me in your dreams." We both laughed, enjoying each others company for the first time in what seemed like a long time.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Abby tapping her foot and pointing at her watch. Ray must've seen her too because he fished around in his pocket and placed a few crumpled bills on the table. "I'll meet you there," I told Ray. He went on ahead and I rushed to Abby's side. " You are my best friend, you know that? I owe you so big for this Abby!" She laughed and we shared a friendly hug. We were practically jumping up and down like a pair of boy-band-obsessed teenagers. "So you're not mad at me for telling him what you said last night?" Abby asked. "Nah, you had to do what you had to do."

My day started out great and I'm happy to say it stayed that way. My patient load wasn't too heavy and no one threw up on me. The best part was, with a little help from Luka I came up with the perfect way to repay Abby for all that she's done for me. I am throwing her a surprise baby shower! Planning all of this makes me feel like a teen again. This is going to be the best damn baby shower anyone has ever seen. I sat in the lounge after my shift and made a few calls. Luka was nice enough to draw up a list of phone numbers of old friends of Abby's outside of the hospital. Looking over this list I can tell that he really wants her to be happy. He thought it would be fitting that we invite Doug and Carol Ross since Abby had delivered their babies when she still worked up in OB. Other guests included Susan Lewis, Elizabeth Corday, and Carter surprisingly enough. I sort of doubted that he'd be able to make it but I'm sure the gesture would be appreciated.

I was finishing up my last call of the evening when Ray entered the lounge. "Your shift ended awhile ago, you didn't have to wait up for me." I said after hanging up the phone. " I had a patient waiting for their family to arrive. They didn't want to be alone." I feigned a shocked expression. "Ray Barnett showing good bedside manor? I think you're going soft." He shrugged. "Love makes you do crazy things." I nodded. " I see. So since you're always crazy, love is making you do normal things. I get it." He pretended to be offended but we both laughed it off.

We gathered up or things and left the ER for the night. We rode the El train and he even got off at my stop to walk me back to Abby's apartment. Luckily Abby was at Luka's. I invited him in and we sipped sodas, no more alcohol for awhile, and further planned Abby's shower and our future.


	7. Chapter VII

**Disclaimer: ER is not mine.**

After much planning and preparations, the big day had finally arrived. I sat anxiously in Ray's apartment, where I had moved back in to, wrapping Abby's gift. The room was decorated with pink and blue balloons, and of course there was food. With a little teamwork, Ray and I managed to make a cake, not to mention a huge mess of ourselves and the kitchen.

**Flashback:**

"You know we can't cook to save our lives, so why don't we just go by a cake?" Ray said, looking at the recipe I printed from the Internet. "It'll be fun. Plus, it would mean more to Abby if we made it ourselves." I got out the proper ingredients and we got to work.

"Four cups of flour…Neela, you forgot to get out the flour." I simply pointed to the cupboard. It was too heavy for me to lift, so why not make Ray get it out? He rolled his eyes and reached up to get it. Little did we both know, the corner of the bag was caught on the edge of a neighboring cereal box. Ray pulled the flour bag, creating a rip. The more he pulled, the bigger it became. The next thing we knew, there's flour EVERYWHERE. As flour snowed down on us, we were unable to suppress a fit of laughter.

"Look at us," I said between giggles. "You better clean this up." Ray looked at me with wide eyes. "Me? Why me?" he asked. "You got it out of the cabinet, so you were the last to touch it." "Hey that's no fair! You told me to get it, and it was your Lucky Charms box that ripped it anyway. You should clean it up." I simply laughed.

**End of Flashback**

I finished wrapping the gift just about 5 minutes before the guests were expected to arrive. It was so cute and I know Abby and Luka a will just love it. Ray actually helped me pick it out. It took forever to find seeing as that Ray wouldn't stop playing with all of the toys. He particularly liked the little toy guitar and microphone set. He begged me to get it for the baby but I had my mind set on clothes. In the end, we compromised. After much searching we settled on a cute little, gender neutral, shirt. It was white with blue lettering, saying "No autographs please." There was a guitar on it, which drew Ray to it almost instantly.

It was then that the doorbell rang for the first time that evening. I got an excited and nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Race you to the door," Ray said out of the blue. I rolled my eyes. Sometimes he can be so childish, but that's one thing that seems to attract me to him. He, as expected, beat me. He opened the door to reveal three people that neither Ray nor I recognized. I went over the guest list quickly in my head and can to the conclusion that it must be Carol, Doug, and Elizabeth standing before us. We all introduced ourselves and proceeded to the couch to sit, eat snacks, and get to know each other. We shared ER tales until the doorbell rang for a second time. This time a whole group of people arrived together. It appeared as though the nurses, past and present, and the two desk clerks had carpooled. They brought with them a rather large gift. Carol seemed to know what it was but I hadn't a clue. They also provided the wine (and sparkling cider for the mommy to be) Once they had all filed in, there was much chatter and embracing going on among the guests. I stood back and watched with a smiled on my face. Abby was going to love this!

All of the guests had arrived now and it wouldn't be long before Luka came with the guest of honor. Unless she caught on to our little scheme and forced the truth out of him, Abby is under the impression that she is being taken out to dinner and then to our place for tea and dessert. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, so I doubt she's the least bit suspicious. We've had tea and dessert get togethers almost every weekend for quite some time now. I stood in front of the window, looking out for Luka's car. The plan we had agreed on was that he'd "accidentally" pass the building once to give us time for any last minute preparations and then he'd turn around and come back. And there he goes. His expensive-looking car sped past. "Okay everyone," I said, stepping away from the window. "Abby and Luka will be here any minute now." As if on cue, the doorbell rang for a final time and all of the guests grew silent. I smiled at Ray and together we crossed to the door. The moment I opened the door even a crack, an aggravated-looking Abby complained, "Sorry we're late. Luka here totally missed your-." She was cut off when everyone cheered, "Surprise!" She gasped in excitement and clapped his hand over her mouth. Tears formed in her eyes. She looked up to Luka who simply said, "Don't look at me. It's Neela you should thank." I smiled and we shared a hug. Remembering what I had said to her that day at Ike's, she said, " You are my best friend, you know that?" We both laughed, wiping happy tears from our eyes. And with that Abby said, " Let's get this party started!"


	8. Chapter VIII

After much laughter and socializing everyone gathered around to watch the mommy and daddy-to-be open their gifts. Luka insisted that they open the big one first, which was from the nurses. Upon tearing off the colorful paper, Carol and the other nurses glanced at each other, struggling to hold in giggles. All of the laughter was released as a rather large box of diapers was revealed. "Gee thanks you guys. You know me so well, this is exactly what I wanted," Abby said in between giggles. I didn't really understand why it was all that funny, its only diapers after all. That must've shown on my face because Chuny elbowed me and explained the whole thing. "When Carol worked at County and we found out she was having twins, we threw together a surprise baby shower. We wanted to get her something useful. We thought, 'hey, diapers are a necessity' so that's exactly what we gave her. That day, we decided that whenever one of our nurses had a baby we'd give this trademark gift. Abby may not be a nurse anymore, but it just seemed fitting that she received the nurses gift too."

The next gift was from both Pratt and Morris, who had teamed up claiming that 'money was tight.' I could tell Abby was apprehensive upon opening it, seeing as that Archie picked it out and can be quite the strange character. She was, however, pleasantly surprised to find they had gotten an adorable brown teddy bear with a bright green ribbon tied around its neck." Thank god it's not a panda," Abby said laughing. "Nice choice guys," Luka said, causing them both to sport large grins, obviously very proud of themselves. "It was easy for Morris to pick out since he probably still sleeps with one!" Frank shouted rather loudly, trying to embarrass the redhead. "Do not! Teddy bears are a thing of my past."

Elizabeth gave them some baby books, Carol and Doug gave the cutest quilt, and Susan got them a set of lullaby tapes. The gift from Ray and me was opened last. It was a big hit. It was fairly obvious who picked this one out but as funny as it was, it was definitely appreciated. " Thank you guys, baby Lockhart loves everything you've given today. He or she is kicking like crazy tonight." Abby said resting her hand on her stomach. " I'm sure he or she would love some chocolate cake too," Ray said entering the room with the cake. Abby's eyes lit up. Ray looked over at me and a smiled as to say "I told you so." I knew she'd appreciate a homemade cake over something store bought. Waiting until everyone was served, she took the first bite. Ray and I, hesitant to try our first creation, watched anxiously for her reaction. " Wow, Jumbomart must have gotten a new recipe because this is fantastic!" I laughed a little, squeezing Ray's hand in excitement. "I may be Dr. Jumbomart, but this cake was actually product of Ray's kitchen." Abby gasped. "You guys made this?! What happened to my friends who'd order take out or prepare a frozen dinner before ever daring to cook something! This is amazing, I'm so proud!" Ray and I started laughing. He put his arm around me and simply said, " We're big kids now." I couldn't have put it any better myself.

It was then that Malik brought out the champagne and sparking cider he was asked to bring. He shook it up under the table, obviously trying to avoid witnesses. He leaned over to Lydia, handed her the bottle, whispering something in her ear. She laughed, causing me to become even more suspicious. She handed it over to Abby saying, "Why don't you open it, you are the guest of honor after all" Abby sported a confused look but agreed none the less. I finally realized what they had planned but before I could stop her, Abby gave the bottle a fierce shake. POP! The cork flew of with great force, hitting her smack dab in the middle of the forehead. The room grew silent, anticipating what we expected to be an angry outburst. Instead, she exploded with laughter. We then realized it was safe and joined it. Ray messed up my hair, saying "Great party Roomie."

**Authors Note: Sorry for the delay. School and homework is consuming my life right now. The next chapter is almost finished and I promise that it will be updated soon, faster than this one was.**


	9. Chapter IX

By the time all of the guests had headed home and the apartment was cleaned up, both Ray and I were exausted. So exausted that we ended up crashing on the sofa, too tired to go up to bed. I lay there, asleep with my head resting on his chest when that all too familiar nightmare begins to play out in my mind. 

_ Ray and I are cuddled up on the sofa watching a poker game on the television. The floor and the cushions of the sofa are littered with popcorn in the aftermath of a recent popcorn war. As I lean over to give Ray a peck on the cheek, the door of the apartment swings open, revealing an angry, and very much alive Michael Gallant. He doesn't say anything, but the heart-breaking look on his face says it all._

My eyes fluttered open and my heart was racing. I sat up, realising I was alone. I could always count on Ray to be there for me, to console me, after a nightmare, but tonight he wasn't there next to me. I got up and walked into the kitchen to get myself Lucky Charms, my comfort food. I flicked on the light and let out a shriek when I saw that Ray had been sitting there in the dark, as if waiting for me. " Christ Ray! Don't scare me like that!" He beckond for me to sit down next to him, where he had set at the table a bowl of Lucky Charms for each of us. " I figured you were having that awful dream again. You were tossing and turning like crazy. I didn't know what to do so I thought getting your cereal was a start," he said quietly. I smiled slightly as I poured milk over our cereal. Setting the milk down, I place a hand on his leg.

" You're so good to me. You shouldn't have to put up with all of this. You shouldn't have to drop everything when I ave a nightmare. You should have to ditch your band mates when you find me drunk and wandering in a goddamned parking lot. You have needs to, and I've been so bloody selfish!" By now the tears were cascading down my face. I was so ashamed, I couldn't even look at him. He put a hand under my chin and lifted it up until our eyes met. " What happened to the happy Neela who made an appearance at the party? You are the least selfish person I know. On the contrrary, you care so much about what everyone else thinks and feels. Everything I do for you, I do because I really, truely care. I want you to be happy, and I rather enjoy being your 'knight in shining armor' figure anyway. My wants and needs are being fulfilled, trust me. You're all I need." He gave me one of those smiled that make your heart just melt.

Its strange how ones mood can change almost instantly. I scooted over and sat on his lap, lacing my arms around his neck. He looked surprised, but pleasantly suprised none-the-less. He pushed my messy hair out of my face and we kissed. What's wonderfula bout being with Ray is that he can make you forget, even for a moment, all of those bad things on your mind. Safe in his embrace, my thoughts shifted away from the nightmare I also happened to forget all about our Lucky Charms. I hate when my cereal is soggy but non of that little stuff mattered to me right now.

I momentarily broke away from the kiss. " Don't you have an early shift?" I asked glancing at the digital clock on the stove which currently read 4:15. He sighed, kissing my forehead. " I've gotta be in at seven." " You haven't got much time. Why don't you sleep while you still can." I stood u and together we walked to the bedroom. He set the alarm clock and we crawled into bed, snuggling up close to one another. " I love you Roomie," I looked up to see how he would react but. of course, he had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I lay there for a moment, reflecting on what had just happened.

_ I told him that I loved him! Did I mean it? Well of course I did, I wouldn't have said it otherwise. Is this too soon? Am I going too fast? We haven't even been seeing each other more more than a few months._ Once again I seemed to be battling my conscience, trying to talk myself out of the inevitable. _Just forget about it, Neela. You wouldn't be here next to him, if you didn't love him and truely believe that you two were meant to be together._ With that thought, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Two hours later the alarm went off, filling the room with loud rock and roll music. Ray groaned, burrying his face further into the pillow. After a few minutes he finally mananged to get up and shut off the alarm. I sat up in bed, watching in amusment as he fumbled about the room, stuggling to put on his jeans while looking for a clean T-shirt in the dark no less. I threw him the one he had slung over the baseboard of the bed last night, in an effort to clean up for the party. " What would I do without you," he said in a groggy voice as he pulled to shirt on over his head. " Sorry I kept you up so late. I feel so bad that you have to work on such little sleep." "I'll be okay," he said, "after a cup of coffee and a good trauma. I've gotta run but I'll catch up with you at noon when your shift starts. Try and get a few more hours of sleep why don't you." I gave him a little wave before returning my head to the pillow, pulling the sheets up to my neck. He quietly closed the door behind him. Right before it was totally shut he opened it again, poked his head in saying " I love you too Neela."


	10. Chapter X

**Authors Note: Hurray! I've reached 10 chapters! To celebrate I thought I'd add a little twist to my story and do a chapter in Ray's POV. If I get good reviews I may do a few chapters this way. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I've been forgetting to put these in but that doesn't mean I own the show, its characters, or their storyline. I used a few quotes and part of the plot from the episode "Only Connect". Not mine. My storyline however is mine. "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin and the movie It's a Wonderful Life is not mine either. **

Once leaving the apartment, I walked to the El station in quick strides, as if to walk in-between the raindrops that had begun to fall. When the train opened its doors, I sat in an open seat between a businesswoman reading the newspaper and a kid listening to his I-Pod. He had the volume up loud enough for me to catch a few bars of Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song."

_Ahahahhh-ah!.  
Ahahahhh-ah!. We come from the land of the ice and snow, From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow. _

Although I very much approved of this kid's musical preferences, I found myself too tired to pay attention to the rest of the song. I rested my head back against the window and closed my eyes.

With the exception of the extreme fatigue I've been feeling lately, I couldn't be happier with the way things are. Neela can be a piece of work, but I haven't been presented with anything I couldn't handle. From the start, many County staff members (i.e. Pratt) warned me not to get involved, advising me to just give her some space for awhile. If I hadn't been there when she needed me, do you honestly think she'd be better off? I found myself thinking not unlike that George Bailey character from It's a Wonderful Life, that movie that my mother forced me to watch with her every Christmas during my childhood. I tried to picture how things would have turned out if I wasn't around. Or maybe my band made it big time and medicine was out of the picture for me completely.

_Neela slammed down the phone. She'd been having the most difficult time finding an apartment ever since Abby subtly kicked her out. She remembered the day vividly. It was Abby's first day back to work after being "kidnapped" by the gang members with a wounded friend. _

_" Are you sure you're okay?" Neela asked, concerned for her friend. Going to work in the ER, especially after an ordeal like that, could really toy with a person's emotions. "What I need is a little space!" Abby blurted out in frustration. Part of her felt bad for saying so but it was true. She thought this living arrangement was only going to be temporary, and Neela isn't the easiest person to live with. "I'm sorry, I just-" Abby began, but she was interrupted by Neela. "No you're right, I should find my own place. I'll start looking today."_

_"Neela why don't you at least stay until you find a place? A few more days won't hurt anyone," Abby said, still feeling guilty about what she had said. Pratt erased his patient's name from the board and couldn't help overhearing their conversation. "An apartment in my building just opened up if you're interested. I know for a fact that its affordable, I've been able to pay the rent on my salary," Pratt suggested. He thought that it was the least he could do seeing as that he is Gallant's best friend. Gallant may be off in Iraq but he'd want to be sure that Neela was being taken care of until he can come back and be with her. This must have been comforting to Neela and she agreed to look into it._

I shuddered at the thought. Though Pratt did end up being one of the only people who could get through to Neela after Gallant's death, the thought of the two of them developing a relationship like the one we had developed was…scary to say the least. I decided it would be best not to think of the millions of "what ifs" out there. Maybe things weren't perfect, but what relationships are? She needed me and quite frankly I need her too. The time I spent without her mainly consisted of exhausting shifts during the day and nights spent getting totally wasted at Ikes. I was feeling really alone and I know she was too, but of course we both kept our distance. So much has changed in the mere month or so that we've been together, deciding to surrender in our fight against our true feelings. It still breaks my heart to see her cry, to see how much she struggles, but day by day I'm seeing improvements. Take last night for example. Saying "I love you" must have been hard for her, but it was a big step. I'm really proud of her. Well, enough of the cheesy in love side of Ray Barnett. The El is pulling up to my stop.

"Thank God you're on time!" Morris shouted the moment I stepped through the doors of County General Hospital. Morris had left the party early last night to come here for his moonlight shift. "Nice to see you too," I said, walking into the doctors lounge. I poured myself a cup of coffee as Morris proceeded to give me the low down on each and every patient he was to be handing off to me. " The guy in exam two, he bites, so don't get too close. Psych has been paged and we're waiting on a consult… Mrs. Selner cut her hand while trimming her hedges yesterday. God only knows why she waited so long to get herself in here. Irrigate and suture if someone from surgery gives the OK. The lac is pretty deep so let them take a look first.." He went on like this for several minutes and I simply nodded, trying to take in as much of it as my tired brain would allow. "Okay Morris, I've got it covered. Go home."

Once I had my cup of coffee and was sure that I was at least awake enough to make competent treatment decisions, I walked out to the admit desk and looked up at the board. I was hoping it'd be fairly empty aside from the patients Morris had dumped on me, but of course it was filled with patients, complaints ranging from boils to brain tumors. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I had the feeling that today was probably going to be one of those days that I'll be trying to forget once its all over with. These types of days and those when you get vomited on repeatedly, get hit with several major traumas, are understaffed (we shouldn't have partied so late last night), and you never once get to take a break to eat or catch some Z's. But hey, every doctor has their day.

**Authors Note: So what did you think? I've never done Rays POV before so I apologize if he seems a bit out of character. Review!**


	11. Chapter XI

**Disclaimer:** ER is not mine, there you have it

**Authors Note:** Sorry for the wait, I've been so very busy.

My shift seemed to never end; cases just kept coming. As I had predicted, we were hit with a range of traumas and there was never a dull moment. I felt totally in control, for the first time in awhile. At the sound of my voice, nurses were sent scrambling, rushing to complete various tasks. I was confident, and I contributed it all to my reconciliation with Neela. Speaking of Neela, all I wanted to do now was go home, jump in the shower, and spend an evening with my favorite Roomie.

I slumped down in a chair in the staff lounge, where Neela and I had agreed to meet up after her shift. Since I had awhile until then, I decided it would be wise to get caught up with some chart work. I reflected on all of today's cases and chuckled. Among the various traumas I had been suckered into working up some wacky triage patients, the most interesting being little Dusty Nichols. Dusty's mother was absolutely frantic as she tried to explain to me that her son, whose favorite snack happened to be those little goldfish cracker things, had reached into their fishbowl and swallowed their pet fish, Mickey. He, however, appeared the least bit upset, just sitting there sporting a huge grin and swinging his legs over the side of the bed gaily. Try telling a worried mother that there's nothing you can do but wait until it passes. She looked about ready to strangle me but left willingly, or at least to spare her son from seeing her attack someone in public.

I must've drifted off because the next thing I knew, someone had rustled my hair. "Come on Sleeping Beauty, lets go before you drool all over your charts." I opened my eyes to see her standing over me, her coat slung over her arm, laughing. I grabbed my jacket from my locker, deposited my charts at the desk, and we walked out hand-in-hand. The ride back to the apartment was quiet, but the look in her eyes told me that something was definitely on her mind. " Penny for your thoughts?" I asked once we had finally arrived home and settled down on the sofa to watch the poker game we'd recorded. "I've been doing some thinking," she started, only to be interrupted by a bit of laughter. When was that girl not thinking? "Like I was saying, I've been doing some thinking, about our talk last night. I took into consideration what you said, you know, that you're needs are indeed being met, but I think we, well I, need to make some changes. I love you and never want to lose you. I want this, us, to last forever. That's not going to happen if I can't even come to terms with all that I've gone through. Michael wanted me to be happy, to love and be loved, to have children; I want to first be able to get past my insecurities."

My heart sank. I knew exactly what she was getting at. This was the classic 'its not you its me' speech. I'd dished it out enough times to recognize it. I was, at that moment, trying my hardest to understand what she was going through, how hard this must be for her to say, but at the same time, I just didn't get it. She said she loved me, that she wanted this to last forever. I've waited so long for this. I know it sounds selfish but I'm not going to let her walk away a second time. It's not fair. I opened my mouth to protest but she continued on with an air of confidence.

"You've been so good to be throughout this whole ordeal, really you have, and I appreciate it tremendously, but you and I both know that this isn't a foundation for a stable relationship. Just think about it; we're been through but a series of cycles. We have our good days but ultimately it all ends the same way. I know it hurts you, don't deny it. You seem to make it you're mission to make me happy, because when I'm happy you are too. Life is a series of give and take. On my part, I've been taking more than I've been giving. That's just not fair and I have to make it right again. I'm going to stay with my family in Manchester for awhile. I just need a change of scenery and the help that only a family can give. With them by my side, I'll get through this and we can have the relationship we've both been pining for." Her voice had begun to waver, he confidence fading.

I decided I needed to be mature about my response. While it kills me inside, I have to let her go figure things out and get her life back in check. We all make sacrifices for the ones we love and this was my time to do so. I took both of her hands in mine and put on the best smile I could muster up. " I love you too, and I want what's best for you. If you need a break, don't let me stop you. You can take all the time you need, but know I'll always be here. I'll wait for you," I pulled her close and we spend the rest of the evening in each other's arms. We both said what we felt we needed to get off our chests and for the first time we were almost stress free and relaxed. We decided that the details could wait until tomorrow.


	12. Chapter XII

Disclaimer: ER is property of John Wells, Michael Crichton, Amblin Entertainment, and all of those good guys. Thank them, not me

One Week Later:

I woke up, not to my alarm clock, but to the sound of Neela rushing around the apartment in a tizzy, cursing under her breath. "Hey," I said as she hurried into the bedroom. "Take a deep breath, relax." I patted the bed, beckoning for her to sit down beside me. "I don't have time Ray! I could have done all of my last minute packing last night, but instead I let you sucker me into watching another one of your bloody horror films. I'm not going to let you distract me anymore. If you want to help, answer me this. I can't remember for the life of me where I put my passport and of course I have to be at the airport a bloody two hours before my flight leaves!" I laughed, earning me a very threatening glare. "Don't get all worked up Roomie. It's in the pocket of your jacket, where you put it last night. Now, I want you to march yourself into the kitchen and have a seat. I will not let you leave without one last Roomie breakfast."

Much to my surprise, she complied. She took her bags out to my van while I set out two bowls of Lucky Charms and put on a pot of coffee. I sat down, waiting for her, and I found myself thinking about all of the mornings to come. Just as I was just then, every morning for the next month, maybe longer, I'd be sitting alone. No one would be there to yell at me when I finished the last of the milk, putting an empty carton back in the fridge. No one would be there for me to pick on for having a severe case of bed head. The laughter, I was definitely going to miss that. "Are you ready yet, I'm starving," I whined as soon as she stepped through the door. She smiled and sat down across from me at the table. We dug our spoons into our cereal, and right before I brought the spoon to my mouth, she stopped me, grabbing my arm. She raised her spoon, clearing her throat, smiling saying, "I'd like to propose a toast." Her voice cracked and I knew that the smile would soon fade and the tears would begin. I couldn't blame her; I can't control being so damn irresistible. Ha! She continued, "to us. To our past, present, and future together." We laughed at the prospect of clinking spoons but did so anyway, in the attempt to keep the mood alive. We then proceeded to eat, only looking up to steal glances at each other.

Neela sighed, looking up at the microwave clock. "You'd better get dressed, we should really be on our way to the airport." I got up reluctantly and trudged to the bedroom. I stepped into a pair of jeans, pulled a clean shirt over my head, and quickly ran a comb through my messy hair. Neela took the last of her things to the van while I gathered a few items of my own. I had put together a little care package for her, containing a baggie of cereal to snack on, a few CD's for her listening pleasure, along with a few other reminders of Chicago and her friends at County. She didn't know how long she'd be staying and there's not a chance that I would let her forget us.

I ran outside, getting into the diver's seat and handing her the package. "Don't open it until the plane takes off," I told her. I could tell she was curious and dying to see what was inside but she nodded, promising she would wait. When we made it to the airport I helped her with her bags, taking them as far as the security checkpoint. We had made arrangements of meet Luka and Abby there, where we'd all say our final good-byes. Tears welled up in Abby's eyes the moment we arrived. When she had first heard that Neela was leaving, Abby was devastated that her best friend would not be around for the birth of the baby. The two of the immediately began making arrangements to call each other at least once a week or whatever, yadda yadda yadda. Women. As much as I love them, I will never for the likes of me understand them. From the looks of it, neither will Luka. The two of us simply looked on as they stood among the crowd of travelers, hugging and crying as if they would never see each other again. Luka went over and gave Neela a quick peck on the cheek before putting an arm around his emotional pregnant girlfriend, ushering her towards the exit, and leaving the two of us alone.

"I guess this is it," I said, shoving my hands into my pockets, shifting my weight in general discomfort. "I guess so," She said, equally as uncomfortable. We had gone through this once before, an awkward goodbye. The next thing I knew however, she threw her arms around me, crying into my chest. "I'm going to miss you," I heard her say, her voice muffled by the fabric of my tee shirt. "Me too, Roomie, me too." I stroked her hair, closing my eyes and taking in our last moments together. She looked up at me, and that's when we shared one final kiss, the kind that makes your knees go weak and make you see fireworks. And I stood there, watching her walk away from me again. She looked so small in that mass of people, but I knew, when we next saw each other, she'd be a whole knew person. She'd be confident. She'd be happy. We wouldn't have to fight and run away from our feelings anymore. I couldn't wait.


	13. Chapter XIII

Disclaimer: Story is mine, ER and all affiliated material is not.

Authors note: Sorry for the large delay in updating. Summer caused me major writer's block and then when I had the ideas my computer was down. No more excuses, on with the story.

(back to Neela's POV)

As I boarded the plane, I kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing, if I had made the right choice. I've walked out on Ray once before and I couldn't help but notice that look in his eyes, the sad pleading look he gave me last time around. I'm trying to stay positive and I know he is too. We just need to remember that this isn't goodbye. When I come back, things will be better and we can have the relationship we've waited so long for.

I found my seat and tucked my carry-ons safely away in the overhead compartment, everything except for the small gift bag Ray had given me before we left for the airport. He made me promise not to open it until the plane took off, but of course my curiosity was beginning to get the better of me. Growing impatient, I closed my eyes, resting my head on the back of the seat. I waited to get this show on the road. I never was a fan of flying, even though I've done it numerous times before. The woman sitting in the next seat turned to me. She looked to be in her early twenties and wore a large smile across her face. Great, just what I needed. I could tell from first glance that she was one of those people who were always happy, happy to the point of being extremely annoying. We weren't even off the ground yet and she had already begun to talk incessantly. I nodded in all the right places but honestly had no clue what she was talking about nor did I care. Even after the plane took off she kept at it. I luckily didn't have to say much in return, until she paused finally and asked, "What about you? Are you going on vacation?" Apparently she had been discussing why she was en route to England and it was my turn now. I closed my eyes and replied simply, "Going home to visit family." I was hoping that she'd catch my hint that I was in no mood to chat and just leave me be, but she clearly hadn't noticed. "Excuse me," I said, trying my best not to sound as irritated as I actually was, as I interrupted her mind sentence. "While all of this is very enlightening, I've got something I need to take care of." With that I stood up and walked to the restroom, taking with me the package Ray had given me.

Once behind the closed doors I sighed loudly and looked through the gift bag. On top of its contents was a note reading,

_Neela,_

_I'm assuming if you're reading this you're already well on your way to Manchester by now. If so, congrats Roomie! You have successfully taken the first step, you know, the step everyone always says is the hardest. Before you know it, everything will be back to normal. I'm proud of you, and you should be too. I know part of the reason you left was for a change of scenery, but included in this package is a few little reminders of home here in Chicago and who'll be here waiting for your return, welcoming you back with open arms. I know it sounds cheesy, but I didn't want you forgetting all that you have come to love. That's all I'm going to say, so look inside and see for yourself. Enjoy!_

_Ray_

We may not have been apart for very long yet, but I found myself missing him already. He just has this way about him. He can make me happy without even trying. I reached into the bag, pulling out a few of the smaller items first. A Ziplock bag held a pile of photographs, each with a short message or caption scrawled on sticky notes. There were photos of many of the County staff at the baby shower we held. There were some of the hospital, the apartment, and of course some of the two of us goofing off, intended to make sure I remembered all I had left behind. I got the impression he wanted to make me miss it all, ultimately resulting in my coming home sooner perhaps. Poor guy, I can see it now; Ray returning home from a busy shift with nobody to greet him, nobody for him to watch scary movies with. Knowing him, he'd probably mope around instead, donning that incredibly irresistible pout.

I sighed, pulling out the next item. It was a CD. He had apparently compiled various rock and roll songs for me to listen to. Another sticky note had been stuck to the case that read, _Yes, I'm attempting to brainwash you. This is what real music is all about._ As I always did whenever Ray would try to convince me that I knew absolutely nothing about good music, I rolled my eyes. This is usually followed by my argument that Ray was being completely biased. I mean, of course you'd like the type of music you play. I played the viola as a child, but I still keep an open mind and allow myself to develop an eclectic, diverse taste in music. This, apparently, is not a concept that Ray grasps.

After sorting through the remaining contents, my favorite being the large baggie of cereal, I exited the restroom, receiving annoyed glances from other passengers who had been waiting, and reluctantly returned to my seat missing Ray more than ever. By the time we landed in London I was utterly exhausted, not to mention miserably cranky. As hard as I'd tried, I was unable to get a wink of sleep. I got off the, surprised to find my parents waiting there for me at the gate. Of course, the moment I saw them I fell apart. I hadn't told them much over the phone, but they undoubtedly understood. My father, usually not so quick to show affection, pulled me into his strong arms.

Once he and my mother were successful in getting me to calm down some, we drove to my childhood home in Manchester. Stepping through the front door I was greeted by my teenaged brother Rajut, my older sister Sona, her husband, and my niece. I was half expecting every last one of my relatives to be there but was relieved the ones I most cared about could be here. I could tell they didn't know quite how to react around me, considering my mother had most likely told them everything she knew. My father broke the tension by suggesting that we sit down and enjoy a late lunch. We sat around the table and I finally began to feel at home, as if I had never left. My father, as he always had, discussed politics and his growing concern for generations to come, waving his fork around as he spoke. My mother scoffed at him, claiming that he was too pessimistic. My brother was more interested in his food than talking, but what do you suspect of a grown boy. The only difference between today and meals past would be my sister's involvement. Instead of boasting about her latest accomplishments, she and her husband were busy fussing over their daughter, who had already made quite a mess of herself. I felt a sense of normalcy that I have seemed to lack lately. I never thought I'd get this far.


	14. Chapter XIV

**Disclaimer: ER and all related storylines and characters are not of my creation. Sona, however, is product of the internal workings of my neurotic brain. (Thats a Neela quote right there. Couldn't resist throwing it in.)**

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updating. School consumes me. Maybe, with a good amount of reviews, I'll have chapter 15 up sooner.**

The rest of my first day in Manchester was spent at the family restaurant. I worked the cash register as I had in my adolescent years, and so many people stopped to talk. The restaurant's "regulars" were all associated with my family in one way or another and insisted that I tell them all about living in the States. Of course, I was quick to leave out details, especially when asked if I had found myself a man, settled down and started a family. As far as I was aware, they knew nothing about Michael and I wanted to keep it that way. The entire ordeal was exhausting.

When we arrived home that evening I grabbed my bags and immediately retreated to my childhood bedroom which appeared to have remained untouched since I last inhabited it. I changed into something more comfortable; wishing I had brought Ray's tee shirt that I had grown so accustomed to sleeping in. Instead I had left it behind for him, I guess for the same reasons he had for his lovely care package. I got into bed, yearning for sleep that I was in desperate need of, but found the task to be rather difficult. I needed to hear his voice. For all I knew he'd probably be working or sleeping off a shift but I picked up the telephone and dialed the apartment regardless. It rang, once…twice…and I was forced to leave a message, completely unaware of my meddling older sister, Sona, snooping just outside the door.

"Hey, its Neela. Sorry, I completely disregarded the time difference, but you're not picking up anyway so what does it matter now. I just wanted to catch up with you before heading off to sleep. Just know that I was thinking of you and" I stopped short, cut off by the obvious sound of someone picking up at the other end. "Wait Neela, don't hang up!" he said, sounding out of breath.

"Ray! Did I wake you?" He explained that he had just stepped out of the shower and was getting ready for a shift. I smiled, picturing the still dripping wet Ray rushing to grab the phone. I was almost able to smell the combination of aftershave and shower gel. I shook these thoughts quickly from my mind. We talked for a short while, as he really had to get going. "You don't want to be late, so I'll let you go. Oh wait, one more quick thing. I loved your package! Who knew who could be so insightful and sentimental? Thanks Ray… Tell everyone I'm thinking of them…I love you too." Hanging up the phone, I crawled back under the covers. I was just about to close my eyes when Sona barged in, not bothering to knock. "So, who's Ray?"

Being away from home for so long, I had clearly forgotten my sister's almost childish need to keep up with gossip and stay informed. As far as she was concerned, she, being my older sister, had every right to invade my privacy and make perfectly sure that I kept no secrets. It was now that I most envied all of the only children in the world. Knowing my sister, she'd make me feel guilty. The whole reason I came home in the first place was to manage my guilt, on my own time, and eventually see past it. I had a feeling now that it'd take longer than I thought. "Can this wait until tomorrow?" I begged. "It's been a long day and I'm exhausted, not that this is of any concern to you in the first place." She sat on the edge of my bed and I knew I'd have to tell her or she'd never leave. "Fine," I said with a sigh. "You'd find out eventually, but I suppose telling you first might make telling mum and dad that much easier."

I started from the beginning, explaining that Ray and I had been roommates prior to and for some time after, my marriage to Michael. "After Michael died, among my feelings of great loss, I felt guilty; guilty for not supporting him in his desire to go back to Iraq, and guilty for falling for my roommate while he was away." Sona was sympathetic, but every once and while she'd throw in her own opinions, things that only proved to make me feel slightly more stupid. My personal favorite was, of course, "You had Michael, an honorable, sweet man, and I'm sure this Ray guy knew that. But you let your guard down and allowed him to slowly reel you in. Boys will be boys. I would have thought of that before agreeing to move in together." By that point in our conversation, I really regretted confiding in Sona and I let my anger show. "Let me finish Sona, this isn't about you! Yes, I feel guilty, but I can't use that as an excuse to deny that I might actually be in love. Ray's everything I'm not. He's loud, crazy, kind of an ass, but I don't care. He makes me stronger, and together we're one hell of a team. And that's why I'm here. In order for us to ever be happy together, I have to be happy with myself. I couldn't make that happen in Chicago, and I thought I'd rather have to support of my family. Spending time with you lot really changes a person's mentality."

For once, Sona was quiet, shocked perhaps and how much I'd changed since I'd been away. I wasn't the awkward, indecisive Neela that she remembered me to be. Now I can admit that Ray's craziness may very well have rubbed off on me a little. I know I can be stubborn; I know what I want for myself and won't settle for less, sort of like Sona. Yet, we're still so different, so different in fact that I could tell that even if she wanted to help me, she wouldn't know how to go about it. She met who would later become her husband in high school. He was the first person she ever loved. Some people are just that lucky I guess.


	15. Chapter XV

**Disclaimer: **ER and all materials associated with it are not my property. No copyright infringement is intended.

I was far too tired to divulge into my so-called love life any further that evening. Instead I sent my sister off with the care package Ray had given me. Sona's smart and I'm sure she'll be able to understand the symbolism behind it all. If not, Ray's post-it notes are legible enough to get the job done. I curled up in bed and was asleep almost instantly.

_Ray and I are cuddled up on the sofa watching a poker game on TV The floor and cushons of the sofa are litered with popcorn in the aftermath of a recent popcorn war. As I lean over to give Ray a peck on the cheek, the door swings open, revealing an angry and very much alive Michael. He doesn't say anything, but the heart-breaking look on his face says it all._

So much for the potential best night's sleep I've had in awhile. Despite my burden being slightly lifted after confiding in my sister, I still had that bloody nightmare, after only a few hours of undisturbed sleep. To make matters worse, Ray and I were thousands of miles apart, ergo, I was unable to find solace in his arms. I knew from the start that this wasn't going to be easy, but sometimes, like right now, I wished that all of those memories, all of the emotions that have plagued me these past few months, could be dropped, as if by magic.

As I had after every nightmare for as long as I could remember, I crept from my room and snuck into the kitchen. Since Sona had the Lucky Charms that I had been given, I settled on the next best thing, my mum's oatmeal cookies. In my childhood years, mum would keep a private stash of them, hidden from my other siblings, in the pantry, after she had mistakenly walked in on one of my midnight snack sessions, admitting that she too shared my nightmare ritual when she was a young girl. Upon my arrival she had hinted that a fresh batch had recently been made, and low and behold, they were right there where they'd always been. I pulled out the cookie tin, and placed it on the table before me, along with a glass of milk.

Biting into one, I felt so at home. Memories of my life in Manchester, ones that I thought I'd long since forgotten, came back to me as though I'd never left. It made me realize just how much I've changed upon coming to Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret making that decision, but it has totally taken away a part of me, or has at least hidden it away. This will always be my real home, where I grew up and became the person I am today.

_One Week Later_

I've always thought it to be rather cheesy when couples on television end their relationships to go find themselves, but I think I'm beginning to see it in a new light. I've been here for over a week now, and with the help of my family and old routines, I've discovered quite a bit about myself, like I've started anew. All the time that I've been living in Chicago, I've never really discussed my past, nor was I really ever asked about it. Come to think of it, not even Michael, my husband for the short time that it was, cared to ask. I'd met his parents; his twin sister had paid a visit to the ER. I think, or at least have just realized, that maybe Abby had been right. She'd asked me, hours prior to our impromptu wedding ceremony, if I really knew him, if we really knew each other. I claimed that we'd have all the time in the world to get to know each other fully, but look how that turned out. But I must remember that I was brought up believing that there is such a thing as fate and that everything happens for a reason. The emotional ups and downs of the past few months, there is a reason for those too, I just haven't figured out what yet. Anyway, I have since decided that, if I want my relationship with Ray to work, I needed to share with him my childhood memories, my past, my history, so he can know be completely, as Michael had not. To quote my father, with whom I've been able to talk to a lot more openly than in years past, "it is only with the embracing of your past that you can control your future." So now that's the plan. From here on out I'm simply going to enjoy myself and revel in the company of my family.

That evening, to my request, the family gathered in the sitting room and looked through old photo albums together. Coming from an insanely large family, photos were being taken constantly, whatever the event. We laughed together, pointing out how much everyone had changed since the album had been assembled. Sona and I embarrassed our brother, fussing over his baby pictures and recounting stories of his awkward stages of childhood. He, of course, retaliated by pointing out some of our most unflattering pictures, ranging from bad hair styles to ones where we had not even been aware the photo was being shot and thus looked utterly ridiculous. We then looked at mum and dad's wedding album, one we had all grown familiar with over the years. I recall flipping through it often as a child, imagining my own wedding and hoping it to be just as gorgeous, just as perfect. While it was especially difficult to look at now, I struggled to keep telling myself that my wedding to Michael had been perfect in its own, non-traditional way, and that an equally as perfect wedding may still be to come, providing everything plays out well from now on.

Also in this album were photos from Sona's wedding. She had married not long before my departure for the states. The ceremony, while quite more lavish and extravagant then that of my parents, was just about as traditional as they come. My wedding, however, had not earned its place in the infamous book, as my family, as pleased as they were that I found someone to "love," frowned upon my hasty decision to wed. I also had this feeling they weren't too happy that I hadn't included them in such a sacred moment of my life. They weren't entirely out of line; I would have liked to have had them there, not to mention some more prep time.


	16. Chapter XVI

**Disclaimer: **The idea and plot of this fanfiction are the only things that belong to me.

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay, real life...

It's been nearly two weeks since Neela left for Manchester, but it feels like forever ago. We've spoken on the phone occasionally, but that doesn't make up for the loss I feel. She promised me she'd come back, and when she did, we could move on with our relationship. The waiting is killing me. I couldn't be happier that she's finally taking the steps necessary to accept her past and move forward, yet, knowing just how stubborn Neela can be, I'm sure this could very well take some time. Until then, I've just got to keep myself occupied. So far, let's see, I've worked pretty much daily, slept when I could, and the rest of the time I've mastered the art of being one heck of a couch potato. I don't know what sort of spell she's cast on me, but I can't stop thinking about her. And to think, not too long ago, I was that guy who brought home random girls as if they were some prize I'd won, only to turn my back and run for it the morning after.

Her absence is definitely felt at County. All any of us have to do is mention a surgical consult and everyone seems so disappointed when Dubenko or some other attending shows up instead. If only Neela knew how much she meant to everyone, how much we value her extensive knowledge and professionalism, and even her personality when she's in a good mood. Speaking of good moods, Abby hasn't been in one in days. Everyone seems to blame the pregnancy and the fact that she could have the baby and day now, but of course she hates that people jump to use hormones as an excuse to justify her behavior. In an attempt to boost her spirits, I had invited her and Luka over to the apartment for one of our usual dinner and desert nights, something that we had originally decided to stop temporarily until Neela's return. This, was not only geared to help her mood, but it also gave me something to look forward to and a good reason to get off my ass and clean up a bit. I was killing two birds with one stone.

It hadn't even occurred to me until that evening that I still suck in the cooking department. The only edible dish, aside from toast, that I can make is stir fry, and if I recall correctly, that's what we served the last time Abby and Luka were our dinner guests. At first, I thought I'd make it anyway, hoping no one would notice, but then ditched that plan. I wasn't about to risk causing Abby, who, the more I thought about it, _would_ remember, to have some sort of meltdown. When Abby's on the warpath, its frightening territory, something I'd rather steer clear of. Instead I settled on one of those frozen pizza deals, where all I had to do was put it in and take it out of the oven. I could manage that. I had actually just removed it from the oven when they arrived. "Something smells good…," Abby said upon entering, a smile spreading across her face for what seemed like the first time in days. Great. Crisis averted. "I hope you're hungry," I said, leading the way into the kitchen, "you're just in time for some pizza. Get it while it's hot." Damn, crisis definitely not averted. Abby's smiled slowly faded into a frown, one that I'd definitely not expected. "Pizza?" she repeated, and I nodded, confirming that she had indeed heard correctly. "I was hoping you'd be making stir fry again. I've actually been craving it all day."

Luka and I groaned simultaneously. Honestly, I have no clue how any guy could put up with nine months of this. But hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? "Here's the deal," I began, totally thinking on the fly. "Luka, you can get started on the pizza if you'd like, before it gets cold, and I'll whip up a quick stir fry, provided I have all of the necessary ingredients. And Abby, while you wait, there's a bowl of un-salted pretzels there on the coffee table if you wanna snack on those for the time being." Her smile returned and she threw her arms around me, hugging me, a very un-Abby-like gesture. "Thanks Ray, you're the best!' As Luka ate a slice of pizza and Abby worked on a few pretzels, I stood before the stove preparing the stir-fry. I don't know what came over me; I was so patient, yet at the same time aggravated and quite hungry myself. As I cooked, we chatted about various things: the eagerness and naivete of the new batch of med students, the Black Hawks, television. I had just set a plate of stir-fry in front of Abby and was about to start on a lukewarm piece of pizza, when, once again, the plans were changed. "Uh-oh,"

By this point, I'd had it. I was starving and felt that I'd gone out of my way enough for one evening. I stood up, practically throwing back my chair in the process. "What could possibly be the matter now?" I huffed, picking up her plate. "I made stir fry for you instead of pizza. It's what you've been craving all day! Did I not cut the vegetables to your satisfaction? Is the chicken not done enough for ya? What?!" While I had been carrying on like an idiot, I had neglected to notice Luka had gotten up from his seat, helping Abby up as well. I only snapped out of it when Luka spoke. "Ray! Shut up and get our coats, Abby's water broke. Unless you want her to go into active labor here in your kitchen, we've got to move!"


	17. Chapter XVII

**Disclaimer: This is nothing new guys, I don't own ER or anything even slightly related to it. I own this story though, it's mine.**

**Author's note: HI! It's been awhile and I do apologise. I have been in hard core school mode. School's out now, so you can expect more frequent updates. Keep your eyes peeled for something new from me too!**

Boy did I feel stupid. I was going to get ragged on for it for years and years to come, I knew it. Grabbing the coats from over the edge of the sofa and practically throwing them at Luka, my mind was sent into over drive. I flung open the door to the apartment and together Luka and I helped Abby down the single flight of stairs. Luka offered me the keys and while I climbed into the driver's seat of his wicked sweet, jet black sports car, he and Abby slid into the back. Had we not been in such a hurry, I would have liked to have taken more time to admire the intricate details of the car, which, I might add, had the nicest leather interior, but, unless we wanted Abby to give birth on said interior, I had only enough time to stick the key in the ignition and drive away, Luka and Abby humming and doing some deep breathing exercises behind me.

Once at County, I flagged down Chuny, who must've been waiting out in the ambulance bay for a rig to pull up. She rushed over, wheelchair in tow. And off they went, Luka, Chuny, and Abby, breezing straight through admit toward the elevator, leaving me out in the bay, alone with Luka's car. I couldn't leave it there, so I fished through my jacket for my ID badge and parked it in my designated spot after getting the go ahead from the security guy. What now? I doubt Abby'd want me around as she's giving birth, so I did the first thing that came into mind. I pulled out my cell phone, waiting to get settled in the family room of the OB wing before dialing.

After a few rings, the familiar sound of Neela's voice met my ear. "Neela! I know you asked me not to phone unless it was an emergency, but I thought you'd want to be one of the first to know-" I could hear the worry in her voice as she cut me off, begging me to get to the point. "Abby's gone into labor, Neela, she's having the baby. I know she's real disappointed that you couldn't be here, so I thought I'd call and at least keep you updated." While we waited for any sort of news from Luka, I told her all about the dinner fiasco, and she went on to discuss some cookie ritual from her childhood, something she rather insisted on telling me about in a self-proclaimed effort to somehow tie her past in with her future. I figured it was all part of her emotional journey, so I let her talk. The progress she had made thus far was promising; I could tell by the tone of her voice that she too recognized that she seemed to be on the right track.

After at least an hour, maybe more, of waiting as we both carelessly ran up our phone bill, Luka finally popped his head in, a look of pure joy etched on his face. I pulled the phone away from my ear and held it out so Neela could hear too. "It's a boy, we've got a son!" Luka proclaimed, sounding happier and more animated than I think I've ever heard him. "We're calling him Joe, and both he and his mother are resting comfortably."


	18. Chapter XVIII

**Disclaimer: Story is mine. That's it**

**Author's Note: SOOOO SORRY! I had a lot going on this summer, so the more frequent updates I promised were not existant. Here's a nice long one though, for your reading pleasure. Let me know what you think.**

Neela's POV

I couldn't contain my enthusiasm. My best friend has just become a mother, of course I'm enthusiastic. As Luka described little Joe, I had begun to develop the image in my mind, a beautiful boy whose life I'd have the privilege to be a part of. I knew what I had to do. "Guys, I'd love to talk more, but mind you this call is long distance. All my love to Abby and Joe. Tell her to call when she feels up to it." I hung up abruptly, running into the bedroom. My mind was set on it; I was going to be with my best friend. I know I had promised myself I wouldn't return to the states until the whole Michael/Ray thing was sorted out, but at that time, I didn't know what I know now. In my grief and self-pity, I had nearly succeeded in pushing away everyone that I cared about, everyone who had offered to lend a helping hand. I've realized just how important they are to me, Abby, Luka, Ray… everyone at County. If it weren't for them, going to work everyday wouldn't be half as enjoyable, not to mention bearable.

I dumped the contents of my suitcase onto the bed and scanned the strewn objects for what I'd need. I didn't know how long I'd be visiting, so I gathered a few days worth of clothing and other necessities and packed them away, leaving the remaining items as they lay on the bedspread. After leaving a quick note for my parents, who'd been at the restaurant all morning, I had my brother-in-law drop me off at the airport. I had phoned in and reserved my seat on the way so I had no difficulty arranging for a flight and was guaranteed to make it to Chicago at a reasonable hour.

As I had expected it to, my flight felt like it would never end and left me exhausted. Jet lag was beginning to set in, but I was determined not to let it slow me down. It was early morning in Chicago, about 8:30, when we landed. I already had a plan in mind, and after picking up my suitcase at baggage claim I was ready to execute it. I hailed a taxi outside. While I first considered dropping by the apartment, I wasn't sure whether or not I was ready to see Ray face to face quite yet, so I decided I'd rather go to the florist to pick out an arrangement for Abby and then go straight to County and lay low in the gift shop. I entered the hospital via the main doors, a bouquet of some carnations and baby's breath in hand, as to avoid unnecessary questions and comments from my coworkers. I made a bee line for the elevators and rode up to the maternity ward. Stepping out, I looked to my left, then to my right. Aside from a few orderlies here and there and some busy OB nurses, the hallways were deserted, making my trip to the gift shop easy and uneventful. I browsed the large selection of stuffed animals and eventually settled on a small blue teddy bear, just the right size to sit in Joe's bassinet and keep watch over him. After the baby shower, I knew Joe was in for plenty of plush toys, but maybe, with a little luck, this one would be his first and favorite from Auntie Neela. Paying for the bear, I glanced at my wrist watch. My browsing had killed a good amount of time, enough that it wouldn't be unreasonable to head down to Abby's room for a visit.

Realizing I had no clue where to find her, I made a pit stop at the nurse's station. I was just about to ask the nurse in the pink floral scrubs when a hand clasped my shoulder. Drat, I thought, I've been caught. I slowly turned to face my discoverer and was relieved to see Luka before me. I smiled, giving him a congratulatory hug. "I hope Abby's up for visitors because I'll admit this was a bit out of my way." Luka laughed, leading me down the hall. "You'll make her day, trust me," he said when we stopped in front of her door. He pushed the door open and motioned for me to wait a moment. "Abby, someone is here to see you." I thought I heard her make some comment about her mother which was only confirmed when Luka reassured her. "No, it's not Maggie, see for yourself." I took this to be my cue.

Seeing as my hands were a tad full, I pushed open the door with my hip. Our jaws dropped simultaneously. Little Joe was asleep in her arms, looking even more adorable than I had imagined. "Neela!" she cried. I dropped my bag to the floor, placed my gifts into Luka's waiting arms and hurried to Abby's bedside. "What are you doing here?" she asked, beaming. "Did you honestly think I'd miss one of the most important moments in my best friend's life? Not a chance." I peered down at the sleeping figure in her arms. I smiled, whispering, "Hello little one, it's your Auntie Neela." Abby passed him over to me, causing him to fuss a bit, but once settled in my arms, he was content, wrapping a tiny hand around my thumb and returning to sleep.

With the NICU rotation all that time ago, not to mention the countless number of deliveries I've been a part of down in the ER, you'd think holding a tiny baby in your arms would have become just another mindless doctor task. As with any other patients, you can't get too attached. Holding Joe was different. Maybe it was because I knew I could get attached, but I was flooded with emotion. I no longer felt so small. Unlike this baby, I have a say in the way my future plays out. I have my independence. It really made me think. Maybe I should pay a visit to Ray after all.

As if she had read my mind, Abby asked, "Does he know you're here?" I shook my head. "I acted on a whim to be honest with you. I did consider swinging by the apartment on my way over here, but managed to talk myself out of it. Besides, I was on a mission." She gave me an all too familiar glare. "Don't use me as your excuse, Neela. Go and see him. He's on call downstairs." I did as I was told, first giving baby Joe a peck on the cheek and returning him to his mother. "Oh, and Neela?" Abby said as I had one foot out the door. "Thanks for being here, it means the world to me." I smiled back at her. "That's what friends are for."

Okay, so maybe I didn't follow Abby's instructions exactly, but I did want to see him. I just went about it in a slightly different way. I approached the nurse's station for the second time, asking the same nurse in the pink floral scrubs if I might use the telephone. I punched in Ray's pager number. I spent the next few minute waiting, leaning against the desk, thinking. I was too preoccupied with being pessimistic to acknowledge the ding signaling the opening of the elevator doors. It was when he stepped out, clad in a pair of blue scrubs, stethoscope slung carelessly around his neck, that I snapped out of it. Our eyes met and he stopped, dead in his tracks. His smile widened and I took that as my cue to approach him.

What began as a hesitant, slow paced walk quickly evolved into a run, full of longing and desire. I ran straight into his arms and stayed there for who knows how long. I refamiliarized myself with his touch. I closed my eyes, breathing it his scent. When I finally looked up at him, he brushed a strand of hair from my face, and gently caressed my cheek, kissing me.


	19. Chapter XIX

**Disclaimer: Fighting the Feeling is a product of the internal workings of my brain. ER, Ray, Neela, and all related material, they aren't.**

**Author's Note: Sorry that it's such a short chapter, but that's just how I had it set up in my notebook. Let me know what you think :D**

Ray's POV

Seeing Neela again, after what felt like an eternity of waiting, was…indescribable. To say I was surprised would be the understatement of the year. "How long are you staying?" I know it's not the ideal first thing to say, but my judgment was clouded by her presence. All I wanted to do was take her home with me and spend as much time with her as I could. "I hadn't really thought that far in advance," she admitted, smiling up at me. I took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Come on, let's get outta here." My shift was far from being over, but we had plenty of docs downstairs, any of which I'm sure I could get to cover my last couple hours. Morris owes me anyway. "I'll meet ya out front," I told her, "gotta sucker Morris into covering for me."

As I had anticipated, Morris put up one heck of a fight. In the end, however, I got the rest of my shift off, but any cases with the remote possibility of vomit or rectals were mine for the remainder of the week. But hey, what's a few bodily fluids when you can spend an entire day with your favorite Roomie? She got a kick outta that one when I told her. To hear her laugh again, it was music to my ears. There was an unmistakable twinkle in her eyes when we reached the apartment. I took her bag as she raced up the stairs, seeking the comfort that came with being home at last. By the time I made it up and through the front door, she'd managed to locate the t-shirt she loved so much and pulled it over her head. She let her hair fall to her shoulders and, in that moment, she looked more beautiful than I ever recall seeing her. I dropped her bag at my feet, caught off guard. My breath caught in my throat as she took a few slow steps toward me. This was a side of Neela I'd never seen before; one that had been set loose in the few weeks we'd been apart. Until now, I'd always been the one to make the first move. I don't know what brought about this change, but I liked it. Once close enough, she draped her arms around my neck, and I instinctively moved mine to her waist. Standing on tip-toe, I could feel the warmth of her breath on my neck as she whispered, "I've missed you."

That was all it took to make me weak in the knees. I lowered my head and kissed her, and just as it had for our very first kiss, it was as though time stopped for us, and that the rest of the world went on as it normally would. Neither of us wanted the feeling to end. My eyes met hers. Knowing she wouldn't take this any further was a bit of an upset, but I've come to terms with it. She'd said she wanted to wait until all of her troubles were behind her, and I respect that. Without breaking the kiss, I lifted her up. She swung her legs around my waist and I carried her to the bedroom where we would talk, laugh, and catch up on lost time.

We spent the rest of the day in each others' arms. Her raven-colored hair fanned across the pillow, I watched her sleep, exhausted from her flight. Unable to resist, I leaned over to kiss the exposed skin of her shoulder, and her eyes fluttered open. "Didn't mean to wake you," I said in a hushed voice. She smiled sleepily, turning to face me. "I'm glad you did," she said, propping herself up onto her elbow. "There are so many things I still have to tell you," she continued. I smiled. Her new found willingness to involve me in the things of her past was nothing short of refreshing. "You don't have to tell me everything today you know, we've got a lifetime to learn everything we need to know." She nodded, taking my hand. "But I want to."

Neela discussed, in great detail, the events of her visit to Manchester. She filled me in on each of her family members, only the immediate ones thank goodness. Right in the middle of telling a rather funny story about some of the regulars at her parents' restaurant, she stopped, a smile spreading across her face. "Why don't you go back with me?" I looked at her, unsure, at first, of what she was asking of me. "To Manchester, Ray, come with me. I want you to meet my family. I've realized that I can't do this without you. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Please? I need you…" Despite my fears about meeting the uptight Rasgotras, I agreed. Relationships are give and take. She's worked so hard for this, and I wasn't about to let her down.


End file.
